Lame Spas and Resorts

Lame Spas and Resorts

Article by Road Warrior

In the West, there seems to be an inverse relationship between the quality of a massage and the amount of theatricality that surrounds it. If the facility looks expensive, it’s probably all window-dressing. If beauty products outnumber the staff, or you are wrapped for hours in slimy vegetation, or your moment of zen is prefaced by a selection of oils with names like ‘Morning Flower’, ‘Essential Moon’, or ‘Stillness’ – then it’s highly likely that your massage is going to be crap. They may press hot stones all over your buttocks, burn incense, or tap symbals and gongs… but no matter of subterfuge will distract you from the fact that they can’t massage a pea from a pod. And, it’s even more annoying when they tart it up with a menu full of unfulfilled promises. Sometimes I wish they would just print the truth and save us all from disappointment.Here’s my reworked selection of the most popular ‘lame’ treatments that you’ll find: – Ayurvedic Head Massage: enjoy the sensation of being drowned in warm sesame oil, while a jellyfish gently dry-humps your scalp.

– Swedish Deep Tissue Massage: feel your sinuses overflow with phlegm after lying face down for an hour in our Iron-Maiden-table-contraption, while a petite woman drags her fingers like dead leaves across your torso.

– Thai Massage: you are Gumby; be one with the pretzel, as our untrained and overweight therapist explores the resistance of your joints and introduces you to a whole new world of consciousness and eye-popping pain.

– Bali Massage: Not one… but two incompetent people are employed simultaneously to finger paint with our essential oils all over your naked body, while you shiver and freeze in our air-conditioned room.

– Shiatsu Massage: imagine the ancient Japanese technique of unblocking vital pressure points, while one of our staff tickles your feet for half-an-hour, followed by a cup of tepid green tea.

Of course there are exceptions. But these are in Asia. There, spas tend to be cheaper and don’t beat around the bush. Some of the best massage experiences in Asia are to be found in cheap hovels below shopping malls, usually resembling run-down travel agencies, or betting shops. will buy you the most exquisite 40 minutes of reflexology you can imagine. If they are charging you more, then you probably went into one that offers happy endings. In either case, they won’t play ‘Cafe Del Mar’, or Zamfir CDs, and they won’t give you a choice of oils. Instead, they’ll slap on copious amounts of cold cream and get down to the nitty gritty of exorcising your knots and mottles.http://nomadz.net/forum/content.php?127-Lame-Spas

About the Author

Road Warrior writes for Nomadz.Net and travels the world for work (film production). He likes to battle-test equipment to make sure it’s up-to-scratch no matter what the requirements, because sometimes it’s a matter of life-and-death.